what day is it and did you see me today?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hippo gnu deer
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize