come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
