these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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