I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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