woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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