In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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