Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Every concussion has its silver lining
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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