Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize