Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Found the puke drawer
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Randomize
