Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
