She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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