I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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