the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
