Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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