Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
