i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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