I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
