I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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