I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
