i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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