swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
