Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
