My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
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