I looked at my own cervix.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
