The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
