You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
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