the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
