I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
