Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
