Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
