she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
