shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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