I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This couple is walking their pig around campus
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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