I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
