you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
