There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
