im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Shame - the story of my life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
