uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Randomize
