the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize
