Banned from zoo.
Again?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
