She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
