you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
