who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
