Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
