he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
