shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize