i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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