Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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