I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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