he thought i was a dude.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
