3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize