I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
