all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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