Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
