there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
it's not cheating when I paid for it
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
These tits shall not be calmed
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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