I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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