I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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