I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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