I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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