My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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